Umm I'm too high to move.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
