my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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