Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
