I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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