The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
