Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Pants are for mortals
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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