Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
