My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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