Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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