Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
