Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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