Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
