Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
