its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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