Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
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