my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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