Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
