i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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