you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize
