I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
