so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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