Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
