The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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