nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
