I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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