She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
