You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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