...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You may now shotgun with the bride
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
