love makes seman taste better
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Randomize
