Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
