Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
