can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
How does it feel to date your dad?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
