i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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