He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
