Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
