Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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