You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
