he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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