Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
