12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
