ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
