Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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