This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
