After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
