Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
