Apparently you make a good broom.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
