I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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