In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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