My first STD was from a foam party
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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