i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
