I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
We just shotgunned beers for America
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
