I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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