Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
